 | Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. |
| Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. |
| In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. |
| Tell them to put the crust on top this time. |
| Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. |
| Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. |
| Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. |
| If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
"OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." |
| Ask if you can rent a pizza. |
| Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sign of relief. |
| Ask to have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." |
| Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs. |
| Tell them to double-check to make sure you pizza is in fact, dead. |
| Play a sitar in the background. |
| Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if they deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
surprise him/her. |
| Ask to see a menu. |
| Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. |
| Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed. |
| Order a slice, not a whole pizza. |
| Psychoanalyze the order taker. |
| Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. |
| Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start
fighting!" |
| Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza. |
| Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk
and didn't mean it. |
| Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. |
| Ask if the pizza is organically grown. |
| Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. |
| If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the
order. |
| Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
"This may be my last entry. |
| Say "Ksssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if
they felt that. |
| Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. |
| When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. |
| Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. |
| Put them on hold. |
| Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a
chance to respond. |
| Order a one-inch pizza. |
| Order term life insurance. |
| Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. |
| Ask if the pizza has had its shots. |
| Order a steamed pizza. |
| Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say. "This
is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. |
Fax: 714-524-1267
